Prepared for Landing

Lately I have felt like my life has been in a holding pattern. Awaiting the next big thing, idling in neutral preceding a momentous event that will shift my life, my family, or my career into drive. Lacking the time needed to really exert myself forward, I decided to hunker down into a state of suspension. If I can’t see any major changes, I’m not changing at all, right? I’ve been so focused on what’s next that I’ve neglected to see the beauty of what is around me.

On this overcast December morning, as I sat in the stillness of my home, sipping coffee while underneath a warm blanket, I noticed something.

As I listened to my husband strum his acoustic guitar in the next room as I worked on a Christmas gift for a loved one, I heard something.

Even now, as I’m trying my hardest to poetically string together words in the same manner that a child tries to portray a landscape with crayons, I feel something.

I’m already there. That is, where I needed to be today, by the grace of God, I’ve made it. Despite my best efforts, despite my lack of vision, and despite my ungratefulness, God has placed me exactly where He wanted me today. And I know that no matter where I am tomorrow or next year, it will be exactly where He has designed me to be, according to His schedule.

It is only expected of me to use what has been given to me to the fullest potential. That does not mean focusing on what I want next, nor does it mean yearning for what I do not have. This day is a gift. Everything I have is a gift. Everything I do not have is a gift. God knows me better than I know myself. And I must, for the condition of my soul, live fully in the moment that has been gifted to me. It’s time to stop hovering over my life and instead immerse myself fully.


The Beauty in That Mess

This time last year, I was pregnant. I was excited. I was immediately and wholly in love. And I was absolutely scared to death. I’m a girl who survives and thrives on a plan. And this was not planned. But my husband and I were willing to take the plunge into parenthood (and would have been great at it, in my opinion).

Due to a flaw in mankind, I lost that baby. It was heart wrenching. Our entire family mourned with us. But it was ultimately what brought me back to God. I learned a hard lesson last year. I learned that I can not do everything on my own and that, despite my greatest efforts, I do not get to make the plans for my life.  Jeremiah 29:11 became my daily mantra.

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” 

I bandaged my wounds the best I could and trusted God that this was all a part of His plan and that His plan would be much greater than anything I could ever imagine for myself. During this past year, God surrounded me with many women that I love that became pregnant. At times it was hard, but it’s funny how God can tell you to “buck up” in His most gentle, chastising way. There were many times where I could hear Him telling me to be patient and to trust Him, neither of which are my strengths.

The beauty in this particular mess is that I am now, and soon to be even more, surrounded by beautiful babies that I love as part of my own family. I get to observe and learn from my friends and I also get to continue to focus on building my marriage.

I’ve exposed all of that to say this, I am now expecting. Not in the way I was last August. No, this is something much deeper within me. I wake up with an expectation that I can’t even begin to explain. Something is coming; a lot is changing. And the best part is, I have absolutely no clue what it is! But I know that they are plans for good. I know that it will be beyond my wildest expectations. And that is the true beauty of God in the mess of me. 

I suppose my purpose for writing about this tonight is for encouragement. Pain and disappointment are the main offerings of this world. Turn to God. Trust Him. See how the Painter of the heavens and earth can turn your insignificant portrait of life into something great!


**PS, check out my fortune from my Chinese date tonight..